pinkandyellow: (Depressed Sadness)
[personal profile] pinkandyellow
 She lost track of how much time passed, and not just because she was in a time machine. Some days, it felt like years, like she'd been passed it all and moved on but still carried the grief like a widow. Some days, it felt fresh and sharp, like it was only yesterday, last week, some time recent. She couldn't tell. She didn't ask, she didn't want to know. 

She told the Doctor, mostly. Told her story just as he told his, and he seemed to understand. Seemed to know, with a wisdom she always underestimated in him. A thousand years of life, a hundred companions and friends, people who loved him and loved others. He seemed to respect her even more for it, if that was possible, didn't judge her, silently encouraged her. Took it in the same stride he took everything else about her, as though she could do no wrong. 

She appreciated him more than she'd ever tell him.

They traveled. He took her gentle places at first, and when he realized it was the running that freed her, if only temporarily, he took her to planets that needed saving. What frightened her, though, was the fact that she wasn't doing it to save them. Not now. 

They didn't stop to examine their relationship, just as they never had. She didn't ask, he didn't offer. They picked back up as though she'd never even been gone, with grins and tea and understanding, and they just... worked. Together, as mates, and nothing more. He would probably be accepting, if she made any move to advance things, but she never did, and he didn't mind. Asexual, and an alien. 

Now, though, was one of those down-times in between planetary distraction. He was working beneath the console, and she was sitting, quietly. Watching. Not thinking, just... sitting, listening to the TARDIS sing in her mind, and just... breathing. 

Date: 2012-01-20 02:12 pm (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (looking exhausted and bedheady.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
He thought he had everything under control. Control was something everyone wanted. It was something everyone desired. Castiel thought he had it. He thought he had the Purgatory souls under his control. They seemed fine except for the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was all very dark and twisted the longer he let them linger. Nothing made sense and the longer he trudged through this world the more confused by it he became.

The Winchester's were on him constantly. Every where he turned there was Dean with some new speech to give to him. At first Castiel had listened out of friendship. He listened to him out of loyalty. Then he got angry. He felt questioned and cornered. Lashing out became a common thing. Lashing out became what he knew to be functional. He never thought he'd raise another hand to Dean. He was proven wrong when they continued to hound him at every turn. Perhaps it was the Purgatory spirits or maybe Castiel was just tired of being denied.

He never thought they'd find something to hurt him. He thought he'd continue to help these people. He thought he could hand out and be there for them. They were his most important task. The Winchester's had other plans and other resources. They enlisted the aid of Death. He was a fickle man who didn't particularly like being trapped or cornered. He tended to react badly to the whole ordeal. The man obviously had no choice, but to lend them a hand. It was he who Castiel down long enough and turned his eye from what the boys were really up to.

They had a weapon.

It was Dean who plunged it into his side and broke it off. It was Dean who told him how sorry he was and that he wanted this to end differently. He glanced at Sam's face very briefly, but it was Dean he saw before he left them. Whatever they had used on him actually hurt him. The blood was escaping his vessel quickly and he could feel his hold on it slipping. His power was draining and whatever was sharing this vessel with him was pissed.

He appeared in the TARDIS in silence at first. He clutched his side where the broken off weapon barely protruded. The blood seeped out in between his fingers. He blinked rapidly and felt a smile tug at his lips. "Rose..." Was all he could say before he hit the grate flooring and hard.

Nap, nap, nap, nap, napppp. Everybody nap now!

Date: 2012-01-20 07:35 pm (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (ahhh. [listening face.])
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
It was a big blur. He barely had enough energy to make it on board the TARDIS. It wasn't easy to pinpoint, but he was able to lock onto Rose. He was able to use Rose to get on board. He didn't have enough energy to create an Enochian sigil at all. All he could do was fall to the ground and pray to whatever kept bringing him back. He did not wish to die. Not because he was scared of leaving the people on their own. He just didn't want to die. He had grown so human with Rose that he did not wish to move on. If it made any sense.

He felt them lifting his head, but he didn't move. He could hear Rose's soothing voice and it was nice. It was good to hear her again. It was good to see her until the lights dimmed and he face planted into the grating. She was beautiful and perfect. She was Rose and he was an idiot. An idiot who could feel the scratches on his vessel. The idiot who could see the end of whatever this was.

He was lifted up and he let out a groan as the shifting move the broken off spear. Whatever this was wasn't banishing him to some other world. It was slowly killing off his spirit and trying to eliminate the souls in his body. It was nasty business and he was growing curious as to how Dean even got his hands on it. It must have been incredibly hard for his friend to have made the decision to use such a device on him. He could only imagine the turmoil he must have gone through.

Once they reached the doorway of the infirmary he broke free from their helping hands with a groan. Everything hurt, but Castiel was still paranoid. He pressed his fingers into the wound and shifted the broken spear. He groaned from the pain, but managed to wet his fingers with blood. He pressed three fingers against the wall and drew the Enochian sigil. It would this immediate area safe until he could do more. If he could do more. He staggered back with his right hand bloody and he spun on his heels. He approached Rose and smiled weakly. He side stepped and fell back into the Doctor.

Date: 2012-01-21 07:38 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (mr. angel man.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
He didn't fight the Doctor when he tugged him over to the bed. He was more than a little out of it by the time he was flat on his back in the bed. He kept his eyes shut as the Doctor went to work. He was getting tired. The longer that spear stayed inside of him the more it drained him. He was barely able to stay conscious at this point.

He wasn't really registering what the two of them were talking about. It all sounded like gibberish at this point. Really smart gibberish, but still gibberish. He did manage to come back to the land of focusing at the last bit the Doctor said. He was right. They'd take control of this vessel and they'd destroy it to get free. They'd take him down with them. No body. No soul. No existence. No Rose. That was the reason he came here. If they did take him down then he wanted to see her before he went. He needed to see her.

He squeezed her hand gently and opened his eyes just barely. He made out the fuzzy figure of the Doctor and nodded. The man from Rose's head. The man who showed her galaxies and how to be amazing. Castiel was almost a little intimidated to be in his presence despite the fact that he was dying. If he was a little more conscious it might have been awkward.

"They're--stronger than I anticipated." Castiel had believed himself to be invincible. He didn't think that such creatures could render him that useless. He didn't think they could seize control of his vessel and use it for such horrible actions. He thought he could beat them. He winced and shut his eyes tightly. He bit the back of his tongue to get through the pain coursing through his body. "They're so strong."

Date: 2012-01-21 07:59 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (serious blue eyes.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
Castiel was following what the Doctor was explaining just fine. Rose cut him off though and he seemed to wrap the explanation up. He knew what they were, but his arrogance allowed him to believe that he was stronger than them. He thought he could overpower them, but he was sadly proven wrong by the things living inside of him. They were not happy about the spear either. That meant lashing out in hopes of getting free from it's pull. That meant tearing him apart. He was not partial that plan.

Castiel did raise a brow when the Doctor suggested a wall of sorts around his soul. Castiel did not trust a lot of people to go rooting around inside of him to put up a wall. He had made a number of enemies and they were at the end of their rope with him. They didn't care if he was killed in the process. He trusted this man though. He was a good man from what he remembered of Rose's stories. He was loyal and he was not a man who believed in killing. Hopefully he could fix this.

Castiel's gaze flickered from Rose and then to the Doctor. He could see him struggling with the decision. Castiel nodded his head slowly. "The pain I am currently experiencing will only get worse before one of two things happen. I die along with them or they tear my vessel apart and get free." Either way he was in for a lot of pain. A little more from a wall couldn't make this any worse.

There was a sharp pain in his chest and the skin bulged upwards as it appeared a hand was trying to claw it's way out of his body. His torso lifted from the table and let out a cry of pain. His free hand clutched the side of the table in an attempt to get through the gut wrenching pain.

Date: 2012-01-21 08:21 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (looking up.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
None of that sounded at all gentle. He was not sure how he would fair, but he knew that it was the only chance he had. It was the only thing they could try before this all came to a brutal and possibly a bloody end. He wanted to go on living. He had things to do. He had things he wanted to see with Rose. He couldn't be God. He was playing with fire. He was messing with powers far beyond his control. God could be absent. No one would look after these people. They could solve their own problems. Castiel just wanted to live.

The pain ripped through him violently. It hurt. It hurt more than he could fathom. This hurt more than the vortex. This was something completely different. It was crude, but effective. It was like cutting off a mutilated leg with a butter knife. It was going to hurt a lot, but it'd get the job done eventually. It was the only option you had short of chewing it off. It was all they really had.

The pain seemed to carry on for ages. The Leviathans pushed and shoved in an attempt to bust though Castiel's vessel. The skin on his body strained and faces appeared underneath the skin. It was not for the faint of heart. His hand slipped out of hers long ago and they were balled into fists. It all seemed to build up until it felt like he couldn't take it anymore.

The spear was yanked out, but Castiel sat up with it. He sat up quickly and screamed out in pain as it was removed. After another minute he fell back against the table hard. He didn't move. He didn't open his eyes. He didn't speak. He didn't even appear to be breathing. It looked like he had lost his war.

It took a full seven minutes before his body jump started. His eyes fluttered open and they searched the infirmary.

Date: 2012-01-21 08:38 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (feeling like crap.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
That seven minutes felt like a lifetime. In the darkness he saw faces. He saw faces of those he had betrayed in his quest for power. Every. Balthazar. Dean. Sam. Rachel. Rose. They were all there. They were all staring back at him with sad eyes. He had made so many mistakes. So many missteps. He was starting to become the poster boy for the mistake. He was becoming the poster boy for betrayal which was even worse. He was starting to understand that self loathing emotion a lot more.

His breathing was soft and shallow. His eyes finally found the flash of blonde he was looking for. He didn't want to look away despite the fact that he remembered the pain he caused her. He remembered how sad she was the day he left her in the hands of the Doctor. He remembered her words. They hadn't left him. In his quest for power they were all he could hear some nights. He was here and he was himself. That was what she wanted right?

He slowly sat up from the hospital bed on his own. His head turned slowly to examine the room. So this was the TARDIS. Well it was one room anyway. He spotted the bloody Enochian sigil on the wall. He must have drawn that in his brief battle with consciousness. His eyes found Rose once more and all he could do was stare. She was right there.

He threw his legs over the edge of the hospital bed and dropped onto his feet. He straightened up, but reached behind him to put a hand on the bed. He felt okay to stand, but his legs had other ideas. They got a little wobbly, but he had the bed to hold him up. "Rose, I'm--" Sorry? An idiot? A moron? A horrible human being?

Date: 2012-01-21 08:52 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (puppy faceeee.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
The words were caught in his throat. They felt useless. They felt hollow. It felt like he was trying to patch a bullet wound with a band-aid. It just wasn't going to work. He had done a lot of damage. He had hurt so many people. He needed to fix his mistakes. He needed to let these people know that he was sorry. If they chose to attack him, end him or just shun him that was fine too. They had the right to do all of that. He had messed up on such a large scale.

He let out a grunt as she flew into his arms. His arms locked around her and he held tight. He kissed the top of her head and let out a soft sigh. He shut his eyes and allowed himself to forget the things he had said to her in her room. He pushed what he had become out of his mind long enough to enjoy seeing her again. He didn't want to think about how she might never trust him again or love him the same. He just wanted to breathe her in.

His eyes opened finally, but he didn't let her go. "I'm sorry, Rose. I thought--" The words were getting caught in his throat. He wasn't sure he could force them out. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I never wanted to hurt you." His voice was soft as he spoke to her.

He loved her. He did care. He cared a lot.

Date: 2012-01-21 09:13 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (looking up. lost.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
There was that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach again. He had no illusions that fixing all of this would be easy. He knew it would be a challenge. He knew it would hurt. For a split second he went back to the moment in her room when she told him he wasn't a human. He was just an angel. He could barely wrap his head around human customs. He wasn't a human. He was an angel who absolutely hated what he had turned into.

He dropped his head and looked down at the ground. He was ashamed of himself. He was ashamed of what he had become and what he did to her. He had hurt her. He had hurt Mickey in a physical way. He would have to apologize for that and somehow fix it. He had a feeling Mickey wouldn't want to be around him though. He was probably going to get more than a few punches from the people he had betrayed.

"I know." He nodded and lifted his head. He tried to square his shoulders and take her anger like a man. A human man. "I will not hold you to what you said. I will return to the other world on my own and I'll beg mercy from the other angels. You may stay here with--your Doctor. I will find my own way." He lifted his hand from the bed. "I so very unworthy of being with you, Rose Tyler."

Date: 2012-01-21 09:29 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (hmmm.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
Castiel followed her with his gaze until she sat on the bed. He turned to face her, but he wasn't sure if he could continue to. He had wronged her. He had messed up. He wasn't trying to run, but he wasn't going to hold her to a promise that she made to a man so long ago. He wasn't going to make her be with him after everything he had done. That wouldn't be very fair of him would it? Situations had changed. Circumstances were no longer the same.

Castiel finally stepped towards her on the bed and took a seat beside her. He laced his fingers together and rested his arms on his legs. He leaned forward and stared at the wall across from him. He took a deep breath and nodded slowly. "I was wrong, Rose." It didn't hurt to admit, but it hurt to realize that his mission had been for nothing. He had been fighting for something that didn't exist. That was the painful part.

"They don't need me." He lifted his gaze to the ceiling for a moment.

Date: 2012-01-21 09:53 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (side glance.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
That was the thing though. Castiel didn't those things. He came from a different world. He had lived by different rules for so long. He had been around long enough to remember a time when his Father was there. He remembered a time when people actually needed him around. He never quite grasped what she had been saying because it wasn't something he was familiar with. He knew an older life. He didn't understand why they had to live in darkness just because his Father was absent. It made no sense to the angel.

He lifted his hands and rubbed his face slowly. He didn't know how to deal with this. He had never been in this situation. It was not one he knew how to approach. This wasn't sex. This wasn't love. This wasn't relationship rules. This was something else. He couldn't fix it with calm words. He would have to be patient and he would have to be the best he could possibly be. He would have to be the man she fell in love with.

He pushed his hands through his hair and then dropped them to his lap. He glanced over at her and nodded. "I understand." He knew the moment he took in those souls that nothing was ever going to be the same again. This would always be different. She probably would never look at him the same way ever again. It scared him, but he'd that over being away from her. "I wish to say one thing."

He looked at his hands as they twisted together. It was like he was trying to find the courage to say it. It had been so long since the words tumbled from his lips and meant something. He wanted to say it just once. "I love you and I'll wait until you can forgive me."

Date: 2012-01-21 10:20 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (calm)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
That made him feel a bit better. Just holding her hand and feeling her close to him was enough to let Castiel know that this was going to be okay. They would get through this. They would trudge through and they would find peace eventually. Things were going to be bumpy for a while, but that was fine. He could be fine as long as she was here. As long she stayed next to him during it all. This could be fixed with time and patience. Lots of patience.

He squeezed her hand gently and exhaled slowly. He felt the muscles in his back loosen and he felt the tension slowly slide away. He could let himself relax here and not just because of the Enochian sigil. He always felt relaxed around Rose. Even if she was angry with him and couldn't quite forgive him. He knew she loved him and she wanted this to be fixed. He'd just have to wait until she could forgive him. He had time. He had a lot of time now.

After a few moments of silence he finally spoke up. His voice was very even and not hiding any sarcasm. "It seems I have quite a large hole in my shirt. Bullet holes are one thing, but this is rather noticeable. Do you think it would be possible for me to get a shirt, Rose?" It was a fair question. A normal question.

Date: 2012-01-21 10:32 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (kissing.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
He smiled at her joke and allowed her to pull him off the bed. He followed behind her quite curious to see what the TARDIS had inside of it. Rose had talked so fondly of it before. It was like seeing where she had grown up in a way. It was very interesting. He could feel a sort of presence buzzing around in his head, but he didn't feel threatened. It wasn't violent or angry. It was just there. He assumed it was her. The ship.

He stopped when she did and then she went and hit him. Ow. That hurt quite a bit. He was still in quite a bit of pain from his ordeal before and the slap was not helpful. He didn't blame her though. He had it coming. He had a lot of things coming. She did hit quite hard though. He remembered that from after the void. "I didn't sacrifice--" No use arguing her. She brought up the threat of her mother. He did not wish to anger her.

He thought she was going to hit him again and he flinched. He softened when he realized it was just a kiss. Kissing. He liked kissing. He leaned into the kiss and slid an arm around her waist. He had thought the last time he'd kiss him would be when he left her. He was proven wrong.

Date: 2012-01-21 10:50 am (UTC)
rebelledforyou: (happy angel.)
From: [personal profile] rebelledforyou
It had felt like ages since he had been that close to her. He had spent so much of his time alone after he made his choice. He spent so much time traveling on his own and fixing the world by himself. There was never anyone there to speak with. In a perfect world he would have wanted her with him, but he also would not have had Leviathan's in him when he tried to fix this place. He would have been clear headed and rational. The world was not perfect though. He had to understand that.

The sound of the Doctor's voice jolted him out of the kiss. They broke and she pulled him out into the hallway. He stayed close behind her. He timed his steps so not to wind up stepping on her feet as well. He leaned forward to kiss the back of her neck once. It was nice to be back. It was nice to have full control himself again. This was different than when he had been possessed or killed by the vortex.

He finally moved to walk along side her with his hand still entwined with hers. "He's very strange." Castiel was just being observant. "Like me." He was very strange. Castiel was odd and he understood that. The Doctor was as well. It was almost comforting to know he was not the only one.

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Rose Tyler

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