Unmaking God

[pinkandyellow]

 She lost track of how much time passed, and not just because she was in a time machine. Some days, it felt like years, like she'd been passed it all and moved on but still carried the grief like a widow. Some days, it felt fresh and sharp, like it was only yesterday, last week, some time recent. She couldn't tell. She didn't ask, she didn't want to know. 

She told the Doctor, mostly. Told her story just as he told his, and he seemed to understand. Seemed to know, with a wisdom she always underestimated in him. A thousand years of life, a hundred companions and friends, people who loved him and loved others. He seemed to respect her even more for it, if that was possible, didn't judge her, silently encouraged her. Took it in the same stride he took everything else about her, as though she could do no wrong. 

She appreciated him more than she'd ever tell him.

They traveled. He took her gentle places at first, and when he realized it was the running that freed her, if only temporarily, he took her to planets that needed saving. What frightened her, though, was the fact that she wasn't doing it to save them. Not now. 

They didn't stop to examine their relationship, just as they never had. She didn't ask, he didn't offer. They picked back up as though she'd never even been gone, with grins and tea and understanding, and they just... worked. Together, as mates, and nothing more. He would probably be accepting, if she made any move to advance things, but she never did, and he didn't mind. Asexual, and an alien. 

Now, though, was one of those down-times in between planetary distraction. He was working beneath the console, and she was sitting, quietly. Watching. Not thinking, just... sitting, listening to the TARDIS sing in her mind, and just... breathing. 

Comments

[rebelledforyou]

He thought he had everything under control. Control was something everyone wanted. It was something everyone desired. Castiel thought he had it. He thought he had the Purgatory souls under his control. They seemed fine except for the gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach. It was all very dark and twisted the longer he let them linger. Nothing made sense and the longer he trudged through this world the more confused by it he became.

The Winchester's were on him constantly. Every where he turned there was Dean with some new speech to give to him. At first Castiel had listened out of friendship. He listened to him out of loyalty. Then he got angry. He felt questioned and cornered. Lashing out became a common thing. Lashing out became what he knew to be functional. He never thought he'd raise another hand to Dean. He was proven wrong when they continued to hound him at every turn. Perhaps it was the Purgatory spirits or maybe Castiel was just tired of being denied.

He never thought they'd find something to hurt him. He thought he'd continue to help these people. He thought he could hand out and be there for them. They were his most important task. The Winchester's had other plans and other resources. They enlisted the aid of Death. He was a fickle man who didn't particularly like being trapped or cornered. He tended to react badly to the whole ordeal. The man obviously had no choice, but to lend them a hand. It was he who Castiel down long enough and turned his eye from what the boys were really up to.

They had a weapon.

It was Dean who plunged it into his side and broke it off. It was Dean who told him how sorry he was and that he wanted this to end differently. He glanced at Sam's face very briefly, but it was Dean he saw before he left them. Whatever they had used on him actually hurt him. The blood was escaping his vessel quickly and he could feel his hold on it slipping. His power was draining and whatever was sharing this vessel with him was pissed.

He appeared in the TARDIS in silence at first. He clutched his side where the broken off weapon barely protruded. The blood seeped out in between his fingers. He blinked rapidly and felt a smile tug at his lips. "Rose..." Was all he could say before he hit the grate flooring and hard.

[pinkandyellow]

She didn't see him, at first, didn't notice him there. At the sound of his voice, though, her face shot up, eyes wide, lips parted, just in time to see him collapse onto the grating. The Doctor was already up, pulling himself from the console and sprinting over- he probably knew the second Cas landed on the ship, thanks to that mental connection.

She was on her feet and by his side before the Doctor made it over, fingers hovering just over the chunk of protruding spear.

"Cas- Cas, oh my god-" Before she could think, before she could ask, an arm wound beneath his head, lifting it up and away from the hard grating. The other pressed against his cheek, smoothing gently, frantically trying to keep him awake. "It's alright- it's alright, we're gonna fix it, I promise-"

Her mind didn't go to 'is this God or Cas', didn't immediately jump to the anger from before, or wariness. She just saw him hurt, and reacted, concern and fear flaring in her. Fear, though, for an entirely different reason.

The Doctor, knelt down, shot her a look, examined the man he'd heard about, but was otherwise all action. "Come on. Let's get him to the infirmary."

He slid an arm beneath Castiel, and together they lifted, one of his limp arms over either of their shoulders. They were a strange, three-headed beast, moving rapidly down the TARDIS halls, but it was easy. The Doctor had Time Lord strength, and the TARDIS obligingly moved the infirmary closer.

Nap, nap, nap, nap, napppp. Everybody nap now!

[rebelledforyou]

It was a big blur. He barely had enough energy to make it on board the TARDIS. It wasn't easy to pinpoint, but he was able to lock onto Rose. He was able to use Rose to get on board. He didn't have enough energy to create an Enochian sigil at all. All he could do was fall to the ground and pray to whatever kept bringing him back. He did not wish to die. Not because he was scared of leaving the people on their own. He just didn't want to die. He had grown so human with Rose that he did not wish to move on. If it made any sense.

He felt them lifting his head, but he didn't move. He could hear Rose's soothing voice and it was nice. It was good to hear her again. It was good to see her until the lights dimmed and he face planted into the grating. She was beautiful and perfect. She was Rose and he was an idiot. An idiot who could feel the scratches on his vessel. The idiot who could see the end of whatever this was.

He was lifted up and he let out a groan as the shifting move the broken off spear. Whatever this was wasn't banishing him to some other world. It was slowly killing off his spirit and trying to eliminate the souls in his body. It was nasty business and he was growing curious as to how Dean even got his hands on it. It must have been incredibly hard for his friend to have made the decision to use such a device on him. He could only imagine the turmoil he must have gone through.

Once they reached the doorway of the infirmary he broke free from their helping hands with a groan. Everything hurt, but Castiel was still paranoid. He pressed his fingers into the wound and shifted the broken spear. He groaned from the pain, but managed to wet his fingers with blood. He pressed three fingers against the wall and drew the Enochian sigil. It would this immediate area safe until he could do more. If he could do more. He staggered back with his right hand bloody and he spun on his heels. He approached Rose and smiled weakly. He side stepped and fell back into the Doctor.

Nappppppppppppppp!

[pinkandyellow]

The Doctor made to shove forward when he pulled away, made to pull him back, but Rose wrapped her hand around his wrist to stop him. She wasn't as familiar with these things, but she recognized what he was doing, had a strong suspicion as to what it probably was, and let him carry on. And then he turned and smiled, and she managed a tiny, frightened smile back before he fell.

The Doctor caught him easily, hefted him back to his feet, balanced him long enough to tug him over to the hospital bed. "Easy- easy- let me have a look."

He tugged his glasses out, and the sonic screwdriver right after it. Whipped it out and scanned him from head to toe, focusing on the spear protruding from his chest. "Ooh, you've got some cowboys in here."

Rose, meanwhile, drug a chair over to the side of the bed, slipped her hand in his and gripped him tightly, eyes searching his face. She flicked them back to the Doctor, brows furrowed in concern. "Cowboys- he said he took in the souls of purgatory, are they still- they're still in there?"

"A few of 'em, yeah," Murmured the Doctor, distractedly, moving over to a computer on the side of the wall. "Really powerful bastards, leeches, hanging on to his temporal signature. They're locked in that body. Shut the door, refuse to come out."

"Can you fix him? Get them out?"

"I don't have to- that spear's doing it for me- sucking 'em all up like a sponge. Problem is, it's taking him, too. Not a biased spear, I'll give you that."

"So, what do we do?"

"We keep him healthy, keep him strong, give him a reason to stay. And we wait. And the second all of those things are out, we jerk that hunk of driftwood out of his chest."

"What? We can't just leave it--"

"Rose, if we don't, those things are going to take over. He's weak, he can't fight them off, and the second they take the reigns, they're steering the ship into the rocks. They'll kill him. Spirit. Body. Everything."

[rebelledforyou]

He didn't fight the Doctor when he tugged him over to the bed. He was more than a little out of it by the time he was flat on his back in the bed. He kept his eyes shut as the Doctor went to work. He was getting tired. The longer that spear stayed inside of him the more it drained him. He was barely able to stay conscious at this point.

He wasn't really registering what the two of them were talking about. It all sounded like gibberish at this point. Really smart gibberish, but still gibberish. He did manage to come back to the land of focusing at the last bit the Doctor said. He was right. They'd take control of this vessel and they'd destroy it to get free. They'd take him down with them. No body. No soul. No existence. No Rose. That was the reason he came here. If they did take him down then he wanted to see her before he went. He needed to see her.

He squeezed her hand gently and opened his eyes just barely. He made out the fuzzy figure of the Doctor and nodded. The man from Rose's head. The man who showed her galaxies and how to be amazing. Castiel was almost a little intimidated to be in his presence despite the fact that he was dying. If he was a little more conscious it might have been awkward.

"They're--stronger than I anticipated." Castiel had believed himself to be invincible. He didn't think that such creatures could render him that useless. He didn't think they could seize control of his vessel and use it for such horrible actions. He thought he could beat them. He winced and shut his eyes tightly. He bit the back of his tongue to get through the pain coursing through his body. "They're so strong."

[pinkandyellow]

Her eyes were on the Doctor until he shifted, squeezed her hand softly. She squeezed back, moving closer, smoothing his hair back away from his forehead. Pressed her palm to his cheek, brow furrowed darkly in concern.

The Doctor looked knowing, like he anticipated the outcome. He had that look on his face, that I'm so, so sorry look, and if he even tried to say the words, she'd punch him square in the face.

"Yes, well, that's what they do, the entire species is built around getting in and taking over. Purgatory... it's not like Earth, it's a lot more conceptual, you see, most of the beings exist on a metaphysical plane, which-"

Rose stared at him, and he trailed off, open and closing his mouth, then rubbing the back of his neck apologetically.

"Right. Yeah. Ghosty-wosty. They're in his head."

"There's gotta be something you can do about it- some way to help?" She must have looked desperate, because he waffled reluctantly. The second he started with well, she knew she'd gotten through.

"It's not a guaranteed fix!" He warned her, backpedaling at her look. "I don't even know if it'll work, it's his soul we're trying to protect, not his mind... but I might be able to put up a sort of wall. It won't hold long, but hopefully it'll be long enough for the spear to suck the rest of them out before it breaks and starts pulling at him, too."

"Do it."

The Doctor shot Castiel a questioning look, as though he was any position to be making decisions at the moment. He glanced back to Rose.

"It's going to hurt."

[rebelledforyou]

Castiel was following what the Doctor was explaining just fine. Rose cut him off though and he seemed to wrap the explanation up. He knew what they were, but his arrogance allowed him to believe that he was stronger than them. He thought he could overpower them, but he was sadly proven wrong by the things living inside of him. They were not happy about the spear either. That meant lashing out in hopes of getting free from it's pull. That meant tearing him apart. He was not partial that plan.

Castiel did raise a brow when the Doctor suggested a wall of sorts around his soul. Castiel did not trust a lot of people to go rooting around inside of him to put up a wall. He had made a number of enemies and they were at the end of their rope with him. They didn't care if he was killed in the process. He trusted this man though. He was a good man from what he remembered of Rose's stories. He was loyal and he was not a man who believed in killing. Hopefully he could fix this.

Castiel's gaze flickered from Rose and then to the Doctor. He could see him struggling with the decision. Castiel nodded his head slowly. "The pain I am currently experiencing will only get worse before one of two things happen. I die along with them or they tear my vessel apart and get free." Either way he was in for a lot of pain. A little more from a wall couldn't make this any worse.

There was a sharp pain in his chest and the skin bulged upwards as it appeared a hand was trying to claw it's way out of his body. His torso lifted from the table and let out a cry of pain. His free hand clutched the side of the table in an attempt to get through the gut wrenching pain.

[pinkandyellow]

Of course he followed, he would, having been a metaphysical being himself. And she could probably pick it up, if she sat down and listened, but now was definitely not the time for one of his educational rambles. He could sit down and hash out the details when her lover's body wasn't tearing itself apart from the inside out.

She met his eyes as he wavered, and squeezed his hand tightly. She would have liked to say it was to reassure him, but really, it was because she was scared. So, so very frightened. She didn't want to watch him die, she really, really didn't want to have to see that.

The Doctor nodded softly, flicking his eyes to Rose, and then back to Castiel. He moved closer. "It's going to seal you inside yourself, literally separate your mind from your body and trap it. Like a mental trash compactor." He hesitated, his eyebrows raising dangerously. "Good luck."

And before Rose had time to realize a decision had been made, the Doctor leaned forward, pressing his fingers to Castiel's temples. The pressure bore down on Castiel's consciousness, his being. Ripped the leviathans away from his mind like ripping away a leach. Like tearing off a bandage, but from his soul. The leviathans howled in rage, fought against him, but the wall was erected anyway, mercilessly pounding away, forcefully ripping through him, tearing him and tugging him and squeezing him.

They pounded against the wall, screaming and screeching and clawing, trying to get through as the wood pulled them out.

[rebelledforyou]

None of that sounded at all gentle. He was not sure how he would fair, but he knew that it was the only chance he had. It was the only thing they could try before this all came to a brutal and possibly a bloody end. He wanted to go on living. He had things to do. He had things he wanted to see with Rose. He couldn't be God. He was playing with fire. He was messing with powers far beyond his control. God could be absent. No one would look after these people. They could solve their own problems. Castiel just wanted to live.

The pain ripped through him violently. It hurt. It hurt more than he could fathom. This hurt more than the vortex. This was something completely different. It was crude, but effective. It was like cutting off a mutilated leg with a butter knife. It was going to hurt a lot, but it'd get the job done eventually. It was the only option you had short of chewing it off. It was all they really had.

The pain seemed to carry on for ages. The Leviathans pushed and shoved in an attempt to bust though Castiel's vessel. The skin on his body strained and faces appeared underneath the skin. It was not for the faint of heart. His hand slipped out of hers long ago and they were balled into fists. It all seemed to build up until it felt like he couldn't take it anymore.

The spear was yanked out, but Castiel sat up with it. He sat up quickly and screamed out in pain as it was removed. After another minute he fell back against the table hard. He didn't move. He didn't open his eyes. He didn't speak. He didn't even appear to be breathing. It looked like he had lost his war.

It took a full seven minutes before his body jump started. His eyes fluttered open and they searched the infirmary.

[pinkandyellow]

The screaming was hard, but not because it was Castiel screaming- because it was the things inside of him, clawing at his mind, and at his stomach, and protruding in the most horrific ways, ways that made her feel sick to her stomach. His hand jerked from hers, and she curled her fingers into her lip, nails digging in as she watched.

The Doctor's brow furrowed, furrowed harder, his face contorted with effort as he outran the leviathans, almost panting with exertion as he kept his wall up despite their ferocious hammering. And as soon as he felt the last of them gone, he jerked out the wood, and up went Castiel with it.

Her eyes were wide, her breath frozen in her chest, her heart breaking at his cry of pain, and then there was silence. He fell back, motionless, and the Doctor sprang into action, pressing gauze against the wound, healing it with technology she couldn't comprehend. Started chest compression, pulled out what she assumed to be a very, very high-tech defibrillator. After five minutes of desperate, painful work, he gave up, breathing hard, hands falling to his sides, defeated.

Rose stared at the immobile body, still waiting for something, anything.

"Rose--"

"Don't."

"Rose, I'm s-"

"Just-- just don't, yeah?"

He took her hand, stood shoulder to shoulder with her, and stared down at Castiel. Another minute, and he moved away, turned to leave the infirmary, turned to leave her alone, stone-faced and barely registering.

And then his body jerked, air rushing back into his lungs, eyes snapping open, and for a second, she couldn't breathe.

[rebelledforyou]

That seven minutes felt like a lifetime. In the darkness he saw faces. He saw faces of those he had betrayed in his quest for power. Every. Balthazar. Dean. Sam. Rachel. Rose. They were all there. They were all staring back at him with sad eyes. He had made so many mistakes. So many missteps. He was starting to become the poster boy for the mistake. He was becoming the poster boy for betrayal which was even worse. He was starting to understand that self loathing emotion a lot more.

His breathing was soft and shallow. His eyes finally found the flash of blonde he was looking for. He didn't want to look away despite the fact that he remembered the pain he caused her. He remembered how sad she was the day he left her in the hands of the Doctor. He remembered her words. They hadn't left him. In his quest for power they were all he could hear some nights. He was here and he was himself. That was what she wanted right?

He slowly sat up from the hospital bed on his own. His head turned slowly to examine the room. So this was the TARDIS. Well it was one room anyway. He spotted the bloody Enochian sigil on the wall. He must have drawn that in his brief battle with consciousness. His eyes found Rose once more and all he could do was stare. She was right there.

He threw his legs over the edge of the hospital bed and dropped onto his feet. He straightened up, but reached behind him to put a hand on the bed. He felt okay to stand, but his legs had other ideas. They got a little wobbly, but he had the bed to hold him up. "Rose, I'm--" Sorry? An idiot? A moron? A horrible human being?

[pinkandyellow]

The Doctor hesitated at the doorway, watching the two of them interact- just long enough to make sure Castiel was himself, and not about to die. Quietly, he turned and slipped away, face dark and guarded, and disappeared further into the TARDIS to give them space. Rose didn't even spare him a glance.

Her eyes were on him, wide and wary and unsure. It deepened into concern when he pushed himself to his feet, and she stepped toward him automatically, shaking her head.

"Don't--" She almost told him to sit back down, but he was already standing, braced against the bed. It was the expression on his face that really halted her.

It wasn't okay. It really, really, really wasn't okay. It still hurt, it still ached, everything was still throbbing and painful, but god help her, he was alive. And he was himself again, and she pushed forward, wrapping her arms around his waist, burying her face into his chest. Her fingers dug into his back, and she squeezed her eyes closed.

[rebelledforyou]

The words were caught in his throat. They felt useless. They felt hollow. It felt like he was trying to patch a bullet wound with a band-aid. It just wasn't going to work. He had done a lot of damage. He had hurt so many people. He needed to fix his mistakes. He needed to let these people know that he was sorry. If they chose to attack him, end him or just shun him that was fine too. They had the right to do all of that. He had messed up on such a large scale.

He let out a grunt as she flew into his arms. His arms locked around her and he held tight. He kissed the top of her head and let out a soft sigh. He shut his eyes and allowed himself to forget the things he had said to her in her room. He pushed what he had become out of his mind long enough to enjoy seeing her again. He didn't want to think about how she might never trust him again or love him the same. He just wanted to breathe her in.

His eyes opened finally, but he didn't let her go. "I'm sorry, Rose. I thought--" The words were getting caught in his throat. He wasn't sure he could force them out. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I never wanted to hurt you." His voice was soft as he spoke to her.

He loved her. He did care. He cared a lot.

[pinkandyellow]

She was angry, so angry, and she wanted to pull back, wanted to slap him. Tell him that it wasn't okay, and beg for answers, how could he? But she didn't- because she understood. It didn't fix anything, it didn't change anything, but she understood that he was fallible. That his mind was poisoned by the Leviathan, that despite it, he was still doing what he thought was good, clouded and broken and wrong, but he didn't see it.

I bring life, she'd said, when really, she brought suffering. Jack had to spend an eternity, watching everyone he knew, everyone he loved, die.

She didn't answer, just yet. She held tighter, arms squeezing around him, clinging. The apology... she didn't know whether or not it helped.

"I know." She pulled back, eyes dark. "But you did."

She was pointed, firm. Didn't spare his feelings, her voice flat. She felt like a mum. She felt like her mum.

[rebelledforyou]

There was that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach again. He had no illusions that fixing all of this would be easy. He knew it would be a challenge. He knew it would hurt. For a split second he went back to the moment in her room when she told him he wasn't a human. He was just an angel. He could barely wrap his head around human customs. He wasn't a human. He was an angel who absolutely hated what he had turned into.

He dropped his head and looked down at the ground. He was ashamed of himself. He was ashamed of what he had become and what he did to her. He had hurt her. He had hurt Mickey in a physical way. He would have to apologize for that and somehow fix it. He had a feeling Mickey wouldn't want to be around him though. He was probably going to get more than a few punches from the people he had betrayed.

"I know." He nodded and lifted his head. He tried to square his shoulders and take her anger like a man. A human man. "I will not hold you to what you said. I will return to the other world on my own and I'll beg mercy from the other angels. You may stay here with--your Doctor. I will find my own way." He lifted his hand from the bed. "I so very unworthy of being with you, Rose Tyler."

[pinkandyellow]

She stared at him while he talked, face expressionless, eyes searching as she listened. He was trying so hard to put things right. Mickey would probably punch him. If he kept talking, Rose was going to punch him. She shook her head.

"No." She braced her hands on her hips unflinchingly. He was always good at the intense eye-contact, and now, she turned it on him. "That would be easy. Running away. Not having to face me. What happened, you can't change, and hiding from it isn't gonna undo it."

She let out a breath and moved to sit on the bed. Patted the spot next to her, indicating that he should sit down. "Tell me you were wrong."

[rebelledforyou]

Castiel followed her with his gaze until she sat on the bed. He turned to face her, but he wasn't sure if he could continue to. He had wronged her. He had messed up. He wasn't trying to run, but he wasn't going to hold her to a promise that she made to a man so long ago. He wasn't going to make her be with him after everything he had done. That wouldn't be very fair of him would it? Situations had changed. Circumstances were no longer the same.

Castiel finally stepped towards her on the bed and took a seat beside her. He laced his fingers together and rested his arms on his legs. He leaned forward and stared at the wall across from him. He took a deep breath and nodded slowly. "I was wrong, Rose." It didn't hurt to admit, but it hurt to realize that his mission had been for nothing. He had been fighting for something that didn't exist. That was the painful part.

"They don't need me." He lifted his gaze to the ceiling for a moment.

[pinkandyellow]

She sat beside him, shoulder to shoulder, and made no move to touch him. Stared out at the infirmary wall, her own hands folded in her lap. She breathed out a soft sigh, carrying with it the pain she'd been going through for the last three months. She closed her eyes for a second, just feeling the peace of knowing he was alive, beside her, and himself again. Felt the relief that came with being human, with having a chance. She sent a silent prayer out, eyes flicking to the ceiling, asking for strength. Wisdom. Help, anything to help her deal with this the right way.

She loved him. She wasn't going to leave him, but at the same time... he had to know it wasn't okay. She couldn't just forgive him, snap her fingers and make everything be alright. That's not how it worked.

"Being human means learning to survive. Despite everything. With or without a god, with or without money, or family, or a clear course of action. You survive through all the pain, doubt, and confusion. And you have to suffer before you can understand it all. You have to ask for help, and beg for answers, and wonder what it's all for. You have to realize that you're completely, absolutely, totally lost. And then you look around and realize... it's alright.

So you're in the woods a million miles from home- so is everyone else. Because it doesn't matter. Because there's still happiness, despite the pain, and love, despite the loneliness, and there's still morality despite the confusion. You make mistakes, you make the wrong choice, you hurt people, and you get knocked flat on your arse, but you never, ever give up. That's the point. That's what you didn't understand. We're all just as lost, just as hurt as you are. You find strength, not in some divine power that makes promises, but in each other. Other people. We're so much stronger than anyone gives us credit for, but you know what? It isn't their fault. They don't know any better. Being a human doesn't just happen. It's a right of passage. It's an honor, that you earn through living. I said you'd make a brilliant human, and I meant it. I still do. You were wrong. And I don't forgive you, yet, but I still believe in you, and I'm not leaving you. Not for the Doctor, not for anybody."

[rebelledforyou]

That was the thing though. Castiel didn't those things. He came from a different world. He had lived by different rules for so long. He had been around long enough to remember a time when his Father was there. He remembered a time when people actually needed him around. He never quite grasped what she had been saying because it wasn't something he was familiar with. He knew an older life. He didn't understand why they had to live in darkness just because his Father was absent. It made no sense to the angel.

He lifted his hands and rubbed his face slowly. He didn't know how to deal with this. He had never been in this situation. It was not one he knew how to approach. This wasn't sex. This wasn't love. This wasn't relationship rules. This was something else. He couldn't fix it with calm words. He would have to be patient and he would have to be the best he could possibly be. He would have to be the man she fell in love with.

He pushed his hands through his hair and then dropped them to his lap. He glanced over at her and nodded. "I understand." He knew the moment he took in those souls that nothing was ever going to be the same again. This would always be different. She probably would never look at him the same way ever again. It scared him, but he'd that over being away from her. "I wish to say one thing."

He looked at his hands as they twisted together. It was like he was trying to find the courage to say it. It had been so long since the words tumbled from his lips and meant something. He wanted to say it just once. "I love you and I'll wait until you can forgive me."

[pinkandyellow]

He would understand, with enough time, she was sure of it. He picked up on so much, learned so much, felt so much. He was human, even before he was human. He just didn't realize it yet. After everything, after it all crashed down, she still wholeheartedly believed he could be one of the best men she'd ever met. He'd wanted to save them. He'd wanted to protect him. She'd seen it, even though the way he'd done it was wrong. Castiel, Victorious. The Doctor could relate, she was sure.

And just like the Doctor, just like all good men who got lost in a cause, he came crashing down. It was the fact that he felt guilt that let her know he was worth fighting for, that he was redeemable. The fact that he felt true remorse for his actions, ones he admitted were wrong, that told her it was still him.

She looked over at him, eyes shining, lips pursed. Her heart hurt, throbbed, because not long ago, she'd been nothing to him. And now, he was back. She leaned over and pressed her lips to his cheek. Pulled back, and slid her hand down his arm to thread through his fingers. Turned her eyes back to the infirmary wall, and nodded.

"I love you, too, Castiel. It's all going to be alright, in the end. We'll fix it. I promise."

[rebelledforyou]

That made him feel a bit better. Just holding her hand and feeling her close to him was enough to let Castiel know that this was going to be okay. They would get through this. They would trudge through and they would find peace eventually. Things were going to be bumpy for a while, but that was fine. He could be fine as long as she was here. As long she stayed next to him during it all. This could be fixed with time and patience. Lots of patience.

He squeezed her hand gently and exhaled slowly. He felt the muscles in his back loosen and he felt the tension slowly slide away. He could let himself relax here and not just because of the Enochian sigil. He always felt relaxed around Rose. Even if she was angry with him and couldn't quite forgive him. He knew she loved him and she wanted this to be fixed. He'd just have to wait until she could forgive him. He had time. He had a lot of time now.

After a few moments of silence he finally spoke up. His voice was very even and not hiding any sarcasm. "It seems I have quite a large hole in my shirt. Bullet holes are one thing, but this is rather noticeable. Do you think it would be possible for me to get a shirt, Rose?" It was a fair question. A normal question.

[pinkandyellow]

"Nutters don't get shirts." She paused a second, half a smile tugging at her lips. It didn't last long, just long enough for her to bump her shoulder gently against his, and then it was sliding away again. She nodded, hopped up off of the bed, and tugged him by the hand along with her. "Course, yeah. Come on. I'll show you around. Probably something for you to wear in the wardrobe room."

She pulled him along a few feet, and then stopped, hesitating by the door. She turned to face him, and slapped him. "What did I say about bossing me about? What did I say about sacrificing yourself? Get bossy again, and I'm telling mum!"

The ultimate threat. She was only half joking. She pushed up on her toes, and pressed her lips to his, gently. She missed him. She missed him so much.

She said she'd slap him. She said she'd kiss him. She said she'd miss him. She said she'd still love him. She was a woman of her word.

[rebelledforyou]

He smiled at her joke and allowed her to pull him off the bed. He followed behind her quite curious to see what the TARDIS had inside of it. Rose had talked so fondly of it before. It was like seeing where she had grown up in a way. It was very interesting. He could feel a sort of presence buzzing around in his head, but he didn't feel threatened. It wasn't violent or angry. It was just there. He assumed it was her. The ship.

He stopped when she did and then she went and hit him. Ow. That hurt quite a bit. He was still in quite a bit of pain from his ordeal before and the slap was not helpful. He didn't blame her though. He had it coming. He had a lot of things coming. She did hit quite hard though. He remembered that from after the void. "I didn't sacrifice--" No use arguing her. She brought up the threat of her mother. He did not wish to anger her.

He thought she was going to hit him again and he flinched. He softened when he realized it was just a kiss. Kissing. He liked kissing. He leaned into the kiss and slid an arm around her waist. He had thought the last time he'd kiss him would be when he left her. He was proven wrong.

[pinkandyellow]

She kissed him, softly and quietly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, digging her fingertips into his hair, just like she always did before the mess. It was the same. Things had changed, but at the same time, nothing had. Despite everything, she still loved him more than anyone else in the universe. Any universe.

"Ah- right- yes- sorry, I was just- I'll come back later, then." The Doctor popped in the doorway, caught sight of them, and backpedaled, flicking his eyes from them, to the ceiling. Shrugging. Coughing. Scratching the back of his neck, then fleeing. She rolled her eyes. Remarkably tactful, as always.

She pulled him out into the hallway, lead him down the passageway with her fingers still threaded through his.

[rebelledforyou]

It had felt like ages since he had been that close to her. He had spent so much of his time alone after he made his choice. He spent so much time traveling on his own and fixing the world by himself. There was never anyone there to speak with. In a perfect world he would have wanted her with him, but he also would not have had Leviathan's in him when he tried to fix this place. He would have been clear headed and rational. The world was not perfect though. He had to understand that.

The sound of the Doctor's voice jolted him out of the kiss. They broke and she pulled him out into the hallway. He stayed close behind her. He timed his steps so not to wind up stepping on her feet as well. He leaned forward to kiss the back of her neck once. It was nice to be back. It was nice to have full control himself again. This was different than when he had been possessed or killed by the vortex.

He finally moved to walk along side her with his hand still entwined with hers. "He's very strange." Castiel was just being observant. "Like me." He was very strange. Castiel was odd and he understood that. The Doctor was as well. It was almost comforting to know he was not the only one.